Five
I hate this. I don't want to do this anymore. It isn't healthy for me. We need to talk.
Four
I'm sad, I'm tired, and I'm sick. At least the weird fever dreams are better than the usual nightmares.
I'm 80% of the way through the book. I still think I can finish it this weekend, but focusing today has been hard.
I wonder what you are doing. I wonder when I can see you again. I wonder when things will stop feeling this way.
Every day is hard.
One
This has been hard, and it hasn't even been that long. I guess it probably gets easier the longer it's been, but that's a sad thought too.
I've been thinking about why I am the way I am, and the models of relationships I've had in my life and the proper behavior I never learned or had anyone to learn from. I know that my behavior is still my responsibility, but at least having a better understanding of where it comes from and why it is what it is helps. I can at least use it as a starting point. It's hard to learn from mistakes when you don't know what you don't know. I've been reading the book, and I think coming from this mindset has helped.
I know sending this is not "not talking", but I'm anxious and scared and restless and felt like I needed to do something. To let you know how I am feeling, to let you know that I am thinking about you and how you are feeling. I don't like feeling so disconnected. And it also seems like I can never really do as I'm told without at least some deviation on my part. So I hope you'll forgive this deviation, but I wanted to reach out. I hope that if you're feeling somewhat the way I'm feeling, this at least helps soothe the ache a little.
At least I'm still hopeful.
Two
It's been another day. This sucks. It's not getting any easier. It's difficult to see how this is supposed to be productive. I hope the space is at least doing some good for you.
Why does it feel like things are getting better for us and then suddenly get worse? I know it's the loop. I want to understand how to break out of it. I wish we could have continued without having to resort to this ... void.
It's been a sad and lonely time for me. It's been distracting me from the work I'm supposed to be doing and I wish I could talk to you about it, but I don't know where to even really start.
I feel like I'm holding my breath while just trying to go about my day as if I were breathing normally, while also trying not to think about if I'm going to pass out.
Three
I made this thing and dropped it off today. I'm still feeling down, but doing this has helped a little.
I want to see your face.
I want to know what you think.
I want to know how you feel.
I'll just have to wait.
.